Savannah

Everyday I want to write something, anything, but nothing happens. After being without Jed for 13 months I wanted to write how it gets better but I can't say that. Sometimes it seems to get worse. A lot worse. The sadness is so overwhelming it hurts. Today is February 18, 2011.. The first day of THON. Savannah is dancing again. She danced last year also. Out of all the misery a bright star was born. Savannah is what makes our house live. Life is funny. Like they say, for every action there is a reaction. Savannah is quite the reaction. Her abilities always amaze me. Her thirst for life is a beautiful thing to watch. How she took her brothers cancer, and decided that she was going to do what she could to help fight this hideous disease, is in its self a feat to be admired. She was just a little girl when all of this started. I am so proud of Savannah. I know that it has not been an easy road for her. What she has had to live through this last year and a half is something no one should have to endure. Losing her brother and then a beautiful friend, both to cancer, is unthinkable. I know how I feel everyday and can only imagine how see feels. Knowing everything that she has been through and seeing where she is today just blows me away. I love her very much.. I'm not afraid ,I was born to do this. That is Savannah.

Beautiful lady

Janiece was a beautiful lady. When Jed was first diagnosed with leukemia ,I was not able to go to clinic to often. I could probably count on one hand how many times I went those first couple of years. When I did go, I would wait out in the hall and read or nap. Janiece was one of the first ladies that I met there. It took me years to get to know any of the nurses, Doctors, and social workers, that were involved in Jed and Kristin's life. I was usually working. What I remember most about Janiece ,was that when she would see me sitting out in the hall, she would make it a point to come and sit by me and ask me how I was doing. When I would start to tell her about how Kristin and Jed was doing she would say that" is good but how are you doing"? She would listen as I would tell her how I felt. She would hug me when we were finished. She was such a caring and sweet soul. She loved Jed and was such a huge part of Jed's life at the clinic. Jed loved her. I know that Jed was there to meet Janiece and let her know that he is O.K. I am so lucky to have known her the little bit that I did. Cancer Sucks. As usual the pictures I post have very little to do with what I write. This is a canning weekend and the students of Penn State are out collecting money for THON. All money goes to help find a cure for pediatric cancer and to help the family's with children that are fighting cancer. Please give. You can go to Savannah or Kristin's blog to find out more about THON and how to give. Thank You.

I have not written on my blog for a while. I think just once since St. Croix. The reason being that work keeps me exhausted. I don't like to whine about working, and I am grateful to have a job in these messed up times , when so many people do not have a job or can not get a job. Still with that said, where I work sucks. It is obvious that HD want to make it as hard as possible, so people like me will take a voluntary layoff or quit. Why we are working 10 hour days five days a week, makes no sense unless you believe that we are selling every motorcycle we make. The thing with HD is that as soon as a bike is made, it counts as a sale. What that means is that all you have to do to make your company look successful is make product. Every part of my body hurts somewhere. I am not the only one that feels that way. Human body's are not made to do something very physical every two minutes. We are not made to hang a 23 pound clutch on a motorcycle every two minutes 10 hours a day. We also have that great point system, that when you get four points you are almost on your way out. Fired. I had a tooth ache and had to take some hours off to get it fixed. For that they counted 2 points against me. I now have another tooth ache. In theory they can fire me for getting it fixed. It has hurt for 2 weeks now. My dentist does not keep HD hours. It seems that no one at work is happy. I am going to have to go to my shrink before I have a nervous breakdown. The only good thing about work is that it helps keep me from getting so depressed about Jed not being here. I think about him everyday and I cry everyday and get up at 4:30 everyday and go and get abused everyday( except Sat. and Sun.) and arrive home about 6:00 pm. Life is a very strange thing. I wish I knew why it is so off. I understand that love is life, but it is so fleeting at times. Oh well, enough of whatever. I do not want to seem ungrateful. I know in all of my misery I have much Love. Still here. Goodnight. Jeddie I miss you dearly, but you already know that.

Jazmine Cope

I just want to say that my heart goes out to the family of Jazmine Cope. I did not get to meet Jazmine but I did get to hear her name , spoken everyday, from Savannahs and Kristins mouths. I would hear stories about her and think of Jed. They are similar in many ways. They are both courageous beautiful wise souls. Hopefully someday, we will not have to write blogs about children that have passed from such a hideous disease. I wish that I had some words of wisdom and comfort for Jazmin's father and step-mother, but I don't. All I know is how much I miss Jed and the pain that I feel everyday. It is a feeling that I would not wish on anyone. The only good thing about any of this is that I know that Jed and Jaz are not in any pain anymore and that they are in a place that we will all be in someday. Again my heart goes out to Jay and Tammy and all of Jazmines family.

From heaven to .......

The trip to see Russ and Kate and Azure and Elan and Nila and Lidia was awesome. It was great seeing my family in such a beautiful setting. St. Croix is such an wonderful place to visit, and I imagine to live. Right now that is all I can do, imagine. The beaches are just what the doctor ordered. White soft sand, warm water and soothing waves. It does not get much better. I loved walking with Azure every morning. It was like walking with a living recorder. He would repeat whatever I said and talk with his arms and hands just like I would. He is so smart and fun. I know that Jed would have loved him, like I do. Elan is just so mellow and beautiful. Every morning he would look at me and smile. He would do the funniest poses. I loved feeding him and carrying him around. Both the children are the best. Elan was born on my birthday. He is like a present. My granddaughter,Bianca, is also born on my birthday. Yey me. I am so proud of Russel and Kate. I love you both very much. Kates laugh is contagious. We already miss you guys. Thank you so much for such a wonderful , loving time, and your generous hospitality. I loved meeting your friends. Everyone was so nice. I can't wait to see everyone again. Having Nila there was the icing on the cake for me. This kind of visit just does not happen in my family. I am so happy that it did get to happen. Unfortunately it had to come to an end and reality hit. After lying in bed for two hours after arriving home I had to get up and go to work. Everything was new to me at work because my old job has been outsourced to another company. So instead of making wheels all day I had to hang clutches on about 270 motorcycles. The job sucks to say the least. I get up at 4:30 am and get off work at 5:00 pm. I do not see any daylight. From fun in the sun, to cold, dark, days. What a difference. One other thing about the trip. I lost my phone while there so I lost a lot of phone numbers. I still have my same number though. So if you read this David, give me a call. That is all for now. Goodnight.

Seven West

A place where love knows no bounds. A place where courage comes in all different sizes. A place where new friends become family. A place where a small child feels another child s pain. A place where doctors become great friends. A place where the food is tasteless, except for the pizza. A place where the social workers, the doctors and nurses, the workers who clean the rooms, are all so very important, giving love and support. It is a place where you can meet at three in the morning and have coffee with another loving being. It is a place where the most devastating decisions are made, all in the name of love. It is a place where grown adults learn the greatest lessons of love from the bravest children in the world. It is also a place where children choose to go and be with their family ,as time as they know it, passes. It is a place where students of Penn State go to spread love, because WE ARE PENN STATE. It is a great place to laugh and smile, at what you see and hear, from wise old souls in young bodies. It is so strong, this love. Seven west is such a place.

What is there to say. I pray for Jazmine and her family. I pray over and over and over... I pray for Savannah. It seems all you can do is pray.