Went Riding

To tell you the truth I have been having a real hard time missing Jed. The grief was getting to be to much. All I could think about was Jed and how much I miss him. I went to my shrinks and he gave me something to help me. It does seem to be helping. I went to Bedford over the weekend on my motorcycle. It was great riding weather. I saw some old friends that I haven't seen in a few years. I find myself talking to Jed when I ride. I will ask "are you all right"? Then I hear him say "uh hu". Its just as clear as day. It's great to hear him say he is alright. I miss him dearly and always will. He is a huge reason I am who I am and why I am alive today. On the way home I rode through the Gettysburg battlefields. It amazes me how hard people will work to get somewhere so they can kill each other. These soldiers on both sides had to haul so much stuff and wear the most awful clothes to get to where the needed to get so they could kill or wound each other. It was really kind of sad. I love you Jed and miss you always. Savannahs mini thon raised $54,000. Red Lion High school ROCKS! That is such an awesome achievement. Jeds short lived life has made a lot of people better people.

flying

Kristin and I were talking today about Jed, because we always talk about Jed and we know that he is here and we miss him so dearly. I remembered about six years ago we went to an airshow near Harrisburg. I think it had something to do with a childhood cancer organization. When we arrived they had some old planes, firetrucks, and just things a six year old boy likes. They also had an old helicopter there. One of those old types that was mostly Plexiglas. This older gentleman was giving rides. I asked Jed if he would like to go flying in a helicopter. As always fearless, he said sure. Well let me tell you this helicopter was pretty much an antique. There was just enough room for three people, as long as one was a child. It also did not have doors on it. It had a chain that hooked across to keep you from falling out. Jed sat in the middle. We strapped the seat belt across us and prepared for takeoff. This thing started shaking so hard. The faster the blades started rotating the more it shook. I started thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but before I could say anything we were up in the air. The higher we went I would ask Jed " are you alright'? He shook his head yes. I don't know if he really even heard me. It was so loud. The ride was all left turns, I would guess so the passenger wouldn't fall out. It was pretty high and a little scary and very interesting, and as long as you did not start checking the thing our to closely, fun. It probably lasted about seven or eight minutes. When we finally landed I asked the pilot how long he had been flying. He said something about the Korean war and then went in to some story about how he lost his leg. I really don't remember much after that. When kristin realized that the helicopter did not have any doors she looked like she was going to throw up. Jed just talked about how loud and shaky it was. He said he liked it but did not want to do it again. It was a first for Jed and myself. I love you Jed and miss your big brave heart. I was going to add pictures but for some reason I can't right now.

A Call

Today I received a call from a friend I haven't talked to in years. At one time he was my father in law. He is my sons grandfather. His name is John. He has always been my friend. I had met John through his Son, David. My son David is named after his son. When we were young, around 15 and 16,David and I used to hang out quite a bit doing a lot of crazy things. David was a lot like Jed. He had a very kind heart. David also had diabetes and for a while when we were young he wouldn't always take care of himself. I did not realize how serious his illness was. As we grew older David and I grew apart. He got a girlfriend and changed a lot of the crazy stuff we used to do. We were always best friends, we just didn't see each other as much. Life goes on. I could talk about my life and things I did and shouldn't have done for days, but that is not why I am writing this. David got in a car wreck about 37 years ago and died. I think that is how long ago it was. At that time when that happened I thought how tragic this is. I lost a good friend and John lost his son, and Jane, Davids mother, lost her son. I just remember thinking how sad and tragic. I now realize it is basically the end of the world. It doesn't make any difference how successful you are or how much you believe in whatever you believe in, the pain is unbearable. I thought that I would be able to go back to work and life would go on. Life is going on but it is not heading in the right direction. I can't stop thinking of Jed and wanting him back. It is literally driving me crazy. I went to work Thursday and they told me I need to be off work. The call from John really helped me. It let me know that these feelings I have are normal and I will get through it. I could tell that he understood what I was feeling. Thank you John. It was a call I needed just then. Tell Joey our best wishes are with her and you. Love Dan

GPS

When I first met Kristin she was living with her parents in Felton. It was out in the middle of nowhere. It took me quite a few trips before I could find it. I would either take a wrong turn or not turn when I should have. Jed would always wait up for me if he knew I was coming over. One Friday I spent the night and in the morning I needed to go a Ruters to get some milk and coffee. Jed was about three years old. Jed wanted to go with me and Kristin said sure. Well I didn't have any idea where I was going. Jed said he knew. I was driving down these country roads and Jed would say "go that way". I knew we were going to get lost. WE would come to a y in the road and I would ask Jed " should I go left or right"? He would look at me and say "I don't know left or right". Then he would hold up the hand for the way I was to go. Before I knew it I was at the store. Jed said" I told you I knew the way". He was only three! Unbelievable. Of course I didn't know the way back home but with his directions we made it back. Jed is such a smart and funny boy. I love you Jed.

I love Jed

First I want to say I really do love all my children. Unfortunately for me, and them I did not get to hang out with them when they were growing up. I was very immature and very irresponsible. It is one of my biggest regrets in my life. I have many. Maybe someday when I write about my life,the people I love might have a better understanding of why I am who I am. Enough of that. Today I am going to write about Jed and what kind of little boy and person he is. First there's the story about Jed and the missing money. Jed or any of our children knew if they wanted something, all they had to do was ask. If we could afford it, or believed they really needed it, we would get it for them. A few years back we decided to go to Washington D.C for a weekend. We figured the museums would be fun to see, that and the White House. The whole works. I had about $400.00 laying around in my room that I saved for the trip. When we got ready to leave I discovered about half the money was missing. I started going a little crazy wondering what I did with the money or wondering if I even had the money. I asked everyone if they had seen the money. I figured I laid it around or hid it somewhere. It wasn't that big of a concern. I figured I would find it later when I got home. We left and went to D.C and had a good time. When we got there Kristin found out she had lost about $120.00. Like me she figured she left it at home. When we arrived home that Sunday I started looking for the money that I misplaced. Kristin couldn't find her's either. I looked everywhere. Finally I looked in Jeds room. Under his pillow I found about $380.00. I went and told Kristin what I found. We confronted Jed. He swore it was his. I informed him that he was six years old and did not have a job. He said that Jack and A gave it to him in birthday cards. A is Jeds great grandmother and Jack was her boy friend. They would give Jed and Savannah $10.00 whenever they seen them. I told Jed that he would have to have saved every ten dollars they gave him for about three years. Finally Jed starred crying and saying he was sorry and didn't know why he took the money. Jed really didn't know why he took the money. He knew he didn't need it. Jed talked to Dr. Blackall about it. Dr.Blackall explaind to us that since Jed didn't get to go to school for those important years, when children learn those social skills. The ones about right and wrong. All Jed knew was that he found some money and that it was his. I would have never thought that socializing with your peers was so important. Usually you think that grades is what school is about. After his talk with Dr. Blackall the problem of missing money was fixed. Now thats not to say that Jed wouldn't say " Dan I have $20.00 in change, can you give me a twenty dollar bill for the change". I would say sure. Later when I would count the change there would only be about $14.00. Ha Ha. Jed has such a good heart. I remember when the DSI portable video game station came out. I asked Jed if he would like me to get him one. He said no that he already had a DS and that the DSI was expensive. He knew that Kristin and I work hard for our money, as most people do, and didn't want us to spend it on him. We always told him that was not his worry and that if we could not afford it we would not buy it. Anyway I bought the DSI for him as a surprise. When I got it home I told him I had a surprise for him. When he opened it he started to cry. I asked him why he was crying he said "you didn't have to do that, it cost too much." It made me cry. I told him that I did it because I love you and I knew that he really wanted one. It was such a touching moment. Jed is such a special child. When ever I would get Jed something I always try to get Savannah something. Her stuff comes in the form of Gas for her car ,or a oil change, things like that. Jed, Savannah, Andria and David. I love you all.

I really miss Jed

I went riding today on my motorcycle. The weather is beautiful. Yesterday Kristin and I went to our shrinks and then out to eat. Its our date. When Jed was here it met more because it was so hard to get out alone. It was our joke that we had to go to the doctors to be alone for a couple of hours. Unfortunately now we can go out whenever we want. Missing Jed is so hard. It doesn't take much to start crying. Jed used to do this thing when I rode my bike between the houses. He would whistle out his window, two stories up, and then stick his head back in his room. I would be looking all around looking kind of lost, then I would hear him start laughing and his little head with that smile would pop out the window. I would usually say "you little rat". He loved to play little tricks like that. I miss him so, so much. I loved taking him on rides on my motorcycle. He would do all the waving to the other motorcycles for me. For some reason if you have a motorcycle you have to learn the wave. Its kind of low key, just a little open hand on the left side down by your side. If you don't wave your being rude. Some people are to cool to wave. Sometimes when Jed would ride with me I would start waving like a mad man. Jed would start laughing and tell me to stop it. He was so skinny and frail that I would tell him when we were going to hit a bump. During the last year it became really to painful for him to ride for to long, especially on my new bike. The suspension sucks. It is real stiff. That was the one thing missing on my trip across the U.S. Someone to share it with. I used to tell Jed that when he was old enough to drive he would be the luckiest kid in high school because of all the Harleys he could pick from. Now I would tell him he could ride my Victory . Of course I will have to sell my Harleys first and buy a Victory. I know that I ramble but I like talking about Jed. It helps in some crazy way. When I took my trip across the united States I asked Jed what he wanted me to bring him back. His answer was snow globes and magnets. Whenever I could find one in different states I bought it. I arrived home with about 12 snow globes and many magnets. I told him he could ask for anything . He was happy with snow globes. He has them all lined up in front of his T.V. What a kid. I LOVE YOU JED AND MISS YOU.

Happy birthday to me, my granddaughter, my great nephew, and my sons half brother. March 17 Saint Patrick's Day!