GPS

When I first met Kristin she was living with her parents in Felton. It was out in the middle of nowhere. It took me quite a few trips before I could find it. I would either take a wrong turn or not turn when I should have. Jed would always wait up for me if he knew I was coming over. One Friday I spent the night and in the morning I needed to go a Ruters to get some milk and coffee. Jed was about three years old. Jed wanted to go with me and Kristin said sure. Well I didn't have any idea where I was going. Jed said he knew. I was driving down these country roads and Jed would say "go that way". I knew we were going to get lost. WE would come to a y in the road and I would ask Jed " should I go left or right"? He would look at me and say "I don't know left or right". Then he would hold up the hand for the way I was to go. Before I knew it I was at the store. Jed said" I told you I knew the way". He was only three! Unbelievable. Of course I didn't know the way back home but with his directions we made it back. Jed is such a smart and funny boy. I love you Jed.

I love Jed

First I want to say I really do love all my children. Unfortunately for me, and them I did not get to hang out with them when they were growing up. I was very immature and very irresponsible. It is one of my biggest regrets in my life. I have many. Maybe someday when I write about my life,the people I love might have a better understanding of why I am who I am. Enough of that. Today I am going to write about Jed and what kind of little boy and person he is. First there's the story about Jed and the missing money. Jed or any of our children knew if they wanted something, all they had to do was ask. If we could afford it, or believed they really needed it, we would get it for them. A few years back we decided to go to Washington D.C for a weekend. We figured the museums would be fun to see, that and the White House. The whole works. I had about $400.00 laying around in my room that I saved for the trip. When we got ready to leave I discovered about half the money was missing. I started going a little crazy wondering what I did with the money or wondering if I even had the money. I asked everyone if they had seen the money. I figured I laid it around or hid it somewhere. It wasn't that big of a concern. I figured I would find it later when I got home. We left and went to D.C and had a good time. When we got there Kristin found out she had lost about $120.00. Like me she figured she left it at home. When we arrived home that Sunday I started looking for the money that I misplaced. Kristin couldn't find her's either. I looked everywhere. Finally I looked in Jeds room. Under his pillow I found about $380.00. I went and told Kristin what I found. We confronted Jed. He swore it was his. I informed him that he was six years old and did not have a job. He said that Jack and A gave it to him in birthday cards. A is Jeds great grandmother and Jack was her boy friend. They would give Jed and Savannah $10.00 whenever they seen them. I told Jed that he would have to have saved every ten dollars they gave him for about three years. Finally Jed starred crying and saying he was sorry and didn't know why he took the money. Jed really didn't know why he took the money. He knew he didn't need it. Jed talked to Dr. Blackall about it. Dr.Blackall explaind to us that since Jed didn't get to go to school for those important years, when children learn those social skills. The ones about right and wrong. All Jed knew was that he found some money and that it was his. I would have never thought that socializing with your peers was so important. Usually you think that grades is what school is about. After his talk with Dr. Blackall the problem of missing money was fixed. Now thats not to say that Jed wouldn't say " Dan I have $20.00 in change, can you give me a twenty dollar bill for the change". I would say sure. Later when I would count the change there would only be about $14.00. Ha Ha. Jed has such a good heart. I remember when the DSI portable video game station came out. I asked Jed if he would like me to get him one. He said no that he already had a DS and that the DSI was expensive. He knew that Kristin and I work hard for our money, as most people do, and didn't want us to spend it on him. We always told him that was not his worry and that if we could not afford it we would not buy it. Anyway I bought the DSI for him as a surprise. When I got it home I told him I had a surprise for him. When he opened it he started to cry. I asked him why he was crying he said "you didn't have to do that, it cost too much." It made me cry. I told him that I did it because I love you and I knew that he really wanted one. It was such a touching moment. Jed is such a special child. When ever I would get Jed something I always try to get Savannah something. Her stuff comes in the form of Gas for her car ,or a oil change, things like that. Jed, Savannah, Andria and David. I love you all.

I really miss Jed

I went riding today on my motorcycle. The weather is beautiful. Yesterday Kristin and I went to our shrinks and then out to eat. Its our date. When Jed was here it met more because it was so hard to get out alone. It was our joke that we had to go to the doctors to be alone for a couple of hours. Unfortunately now we can go out whenever we want. Missing Jed is so hard. It doesn't take much to start crying. Jed used to do this thing when I rode my bike between the houses. He would whistle out his window, two stories up, and then stick his head back in his room. I would be looking all around looking kind of lost, then I would hear him start laughing and his little head with that smile would pop out the window. I would usually say "you little rat". He loved to play little tricks like that. I miss him so, so much. I loved taking him on rides on my motorcycle. He would do all the waving to the other motorcycles for me. For some reason if you have a motorcycle you have to learn the wave. Its kind of low key, just a little open hand on the left side down by your side. If you don't wave your being rude. Some people are to cool to wave. Sometimes when Jed would ride with me I would start waving like a mad man. Jed would start laughing and tell me to stop it. He was so skinny and frail that I would tell him when we were going to hit a bump. During the last year it became really to painful for him to ride for to long, especially on my new bike. The suspension sucks. It is real stiff. That was the one thing missing on my trip across the U.S. Someone to share it with. I used to tell Jed that when he was old enough to drive he would be the luckiest kid in high school because of all the Harleys he could pick from. Now I would tell him he could ride my Victory . Of course I will have to sell my Harleys first and buy a Victory. I know that I ramble but I like talking about Jed. It helps in some crazy way. When I took my trip across the united States I asked Jed what he wanted me to bring him back. His answer was snow globes and magnets. Whenever I could find one in different states I bought it. I arrived home with about 12 snow globes and many magnets. I told him he could ask for anything . He was happy with snow globes. He has them all lined up in front of his T.V. What a kid. I LOVE YOU JED AND MISS YOU.

Happy birthday to me, my granddaughter, my great nephew, and my sons half brother. March 17 Saint Patrick's Day!

Baseball game 2004

In the hot summer month of Aug. 2004, a friend at work asked Kristin if she knew anyone who would like to buy two tickets to an Orioles baseball game at Camden Yards in Baltimore, Md. When she asked me I thought maybe Jed would like that. He had never been to a professional baseball game before. He was six and just starting his third year of treatment. When Jed was first diagnosed with leukemia, those three years were a lot less intense than when he relapsed. The third year was the beginning of maintenance and Jed felt pretty good. He was six and had no hair. He was bald from the chemo. His head was beautiful and perfectly round. I used to tell him I was going to shave my head so I could look like him. He said " no you can't do that, your head is crooked and one ear is higher than the other". Nothing like being honest. Anyway back to the baseball game. The game was on a Saturday and I think it started around One o'clock in the afternoon. We arrived about 11:00. I had never been there before and wanted to make sure we were there on time. The gates weren't even open yet when we arrived. We walked around and looked at all the different people that were selling things outside of the park. Some woman was selling bottled water for $1.25 . She told us the water was something like $3.00 a bottle inside the gates. We bought four or five bottles. When the gates finally opened we went to our seats that were right behind home plate. Unfortunately the sun was also right behind home plate. It was about 90 degrees and the sun was just beaming down right on our seats. We had to pour the water, that we bought, on the seats so we could sit on them. We spent a lot of the time, before the game started ,walking around searching for shade. We were also exploring all the different things and places the Yard had to offer. The game finally started and we went to our seats. Again we poured the water on the seats before we sat on them. The water almost evaporated before we could sit on it. I don't know about you but I am not a big baseball kind of guy, but I figured if Jed liked it that was all that counted. If its not the world series it can be very boring and SLOW and llooonnnggg. After one full inning I looked over at Jed and could see that he was sweating. He would take his hat off and I would tell him to put it back on. That would be all he needed. a bald sunburned head. I was soaked in sweat. I asked him if he liked the game. He nodded his little head yes. Then I asked him if he would like to go to the ESPN zone and play video games. Without hesitation he stood up and said "Lets Go". On the way there I asked him what he thought about the game. He said it was to hot and to slow. My thoughts exactly. We spent the rest of the day playing and having a great time. Jed loved the ESPN zone. Whats not to love for a little boy. Video games and food. Some of the best times Jed had there, was when his best friend DJ went with us . I love you Jed.

Walking

Let me try this again. I was just writing on this blog and all of a sudden everything stopped and new updates started loading or down loading, who knows. All I know is everything I just wrote went somewhere in space. Anyway what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted is that on Tuesday I rode my motorcycle for a while. It is not as fun as it was before Jed passed away. I find myself thinking about Jed and missing him constantly. On the way back home I stopped by the cemetery where Jeds ashes are buried. That just sounds so wrong. While I was there I could see Jed and I and Emitt (our awesome dog who also passed away from cancer) running and playing through the cemetery. I could picture me chasing Jed and him laughing , as I would almost get to him. And the dog running crazy because I would let him off the leash. We had our different spots we would walk to. Different benches on different graves. Jed was only about three and four. Before he was diagnosed with leukemia .Depending on how Jed felt is how we would determine which bench we would go to. I walk pretty fast and don't realize that I am walking fast, and would almost forget that Jed was a little boy. He would let me know that I needed to slow down, unless we were racing. Jed loved to walk and run. The one bench that was the farthest away was next to a field of tall grass or weeds. The grass was as tall as Jed was. Emitt would go out there and chase things. The grass was taller than Emitt and he would hop like a rabbit . He looked so funny. Jed would crack up laughing. Sometimes we would all lay on the grass by the bench and look at the clouds. It would be the dog, Jed and I just laying there. We would do these walks quite a lot during the summer in the evening. About an hour before it would turn dark we would start, and arrive back home in the dark. Sometimes all of us would walk there. Kristin, Jed, sometimes Savannah and I plus the dog. I love all my children and was not the best father or husband when I was younger. Jed showed me what I missed with my son and daughter. Jed really did save my life and showed me how to live. I am a real slow learner. Oh boy.......

king of the parade

One thing Jed loved to do with Kristin and I was to go riding on our motorcycles. I can remember the first time I took Jed on a ride. I know everyone, including myself, was a little worried. After all anything can happen. I'm not much of a hot rodder anyway. I have already had the misfortune of having a terrible wreck when my honda 750 cc went into a high speed wobble when I was in my early twentys. I don't remember the exact age it was so long ago. I was going close to 90 miles an hour when the bike started wobbling violently. I was driving on the MacArthur freeway in San Leandro, Calif. The next thing I remember was sliding down the pavement on my face and chest. At the time I was wearing only a tee shirt, jeans and a pair of converse tennis shoes. I hit the ground so hard that my shoes flew right off of me. I could write quite a bit about the wreck but that is another story. Every since then I have learned to respect the motorcycle a little more and to be a lot more cautious. As a side note, the Honda was not mine and I, nor the owner, realized the bearings in the swinging arm were shot at the time. So I am cautious when I ride and a lot more cautious when I would ride Jed on the back. Every year Jed loved to go to York's bike week and Gettysburg's bike week. He has been to six or seven of them. He loved to watch the bike parade and all the bikes go streaking by. We had never rode in the parade mainly because it looked like to much work worrying about the bikes in front and in back of you. Two years ago, this man that Kristin and I work with, asked Kristin if Jed would like to be the Grand Marshal of the Parade. The man who asked Kristin was Jon Golihew and he was, and still is I think, the president of the York County harley davidson owners association. Kristin said she would ask Jed. We really didn't know what the Grand Marshal was or did. Jon said that Jed would lead the parade. How awesome is that. Naturally Jed said yes. The day of the parade rained, which in not that unusual for bike week. It rained all weekend of bike week . Bike week is from Thursday to Sun. A pretty big deal for York. A lot of money. Most riders are prepared for a little rain. When it was time for the parade, everyone started meeting at the fair grounds. About an hour before the parade the rain started letting up. Soon there was a lot of bikes. On a sunny day there can be a thousand or more bikes in the parade. When the parade was just about to begin, the rain quit and there were hundreds of motorcycles ready to drive down market street. The way it was set up was, two police bikes in front of the line then Jed and I on my 2005 road king custom . Then behind us was Kristin on her 2006 Harley Deuce with her dad Wayne on his Road King. Then behind them was the management of the Harley Davidson York Plant as is the custom. Jed thought that was so cool that they had to follow him ( the managers). Jed waved to everyone. He made a great Grand Marshal. I can never thank Jon Golihew enough. People think that Harley Davidson puts this parade on. In reality they have very little to do with it. As always its the riders that have the big hearts. The president of Harley York didn't even ride in the parade that night. That's the only one I can remember that he didn't ride in. Maybe he didn't like the fact that he wouldn't be in the front and would have to follow his employees. Ha! Just when the parade ended it started raining again. I also want to thank the police that lead the front of us. They were so awesome and nice to Jed. They really made him feel special that night. The one officer sent Jed a letter and a police patch. I wish I could remember his name right now but I can't and I will edit it in later. When we got to the end of the parade and parked, one of the plants higher ups, gave Jed a trophy that said "York bike night parade" JED SMITH 2008 Grand Marshal. It was a real nice jester and the person who gave it to Jed is a nice man that I have met a few times, that doesn't have that management against employees mentality. This trophy is about 12 inches high with a gold motorcycle of top. Its all plastic with a made in china sticker on the bottom. That seems about right knowing who gave it to him. Regardless Jed Loves that trophy. He kept it on his top shelf and you could always see it when you went in his room. I always loved riding with Jed. Jed I love you and miss you.

Today I found myself thinking of Jed and Crying. I miss him so much. I miss his smile and singing and his hugs and just lying next to me and watching family guy and EVERYTHING. I have had a pretty lucky life. Like everyone I have had ups and downs. And some of the downs have been pretty low, but I have never felt like I do now. I could usually blame myself for most of my unfortunate lows and figure a way out, or learn not to do it again. I have lost people that I have loved and have loved people that I lost. And I have felt depressed and defeated ,but things changed and life went on. But loosing Jed is very unbearable and very finial. It reminds me of when I was very young and having my stepfather fighting with me and telling me to move out. I was 15 years old. I remember walking down the street and thinking what will I do now. I can remember that feeling of being completely f---- d. That feeling only lasted for about two hours because I went to my friends house (Floyd Nay) and his parents said you can live here. I did for the next two years. The point I am trying to make is there is not going to be a Floyd Nay to lift my spirits and make it better. I know I am around people that love me but I also know they are feeling the same things I am. None of us have the answer. Like kristin says "I know Jed is alright" and I guess I will be alright too. But boy it hurts. On a lighter note, I was remembering when Jed and I went on one of the first Make a Wish Truck Convoy rides. It was in Hanover. Travis, Jeds truck driver let Jed blow the horn and we were all pretty excited about all the people we saw waving and honking their horns at us. Jed would honk and wave his little hand. He was seven, such a little boy. One thing Jed earned and liked was the special treatment he would get. I mean here was a boy who didn't get to go to school with his friends, because of the way he felt most of the time. He did get to do things that most of his school mates didn't do. Believe me, Jed would have rather been in school and been able to do what his friends were doing, but since he couldn't he took advantage of the perks offered him. Back to the story of the truck ride. There was this one part where we were seeing different groups of people waving. Some were having parties and there would be ten or twenty people waving as we went by. Then we came to this one part where there was about one hundred people waving. Jed said look at all those people waving at us. Travis and I waved back with Jed. As we got closer we realized it was a garden shop that sold statues. A lot of them had their arms extended and some were bigger than others. I told Jed I think that those are statues. He said "I know That" I told him "I didn't" We all started laughing. Jed would tell the story just about every time we went on another truck ride. Jed has such a great sense of humor.